Brain Chips R Us: 5 failed experiments

Editor’s note: This is the first WND column by humorist Nin Privitera who wrote jokes for Jay Leno for 23 years. Enjoy.

Now that Elon Musk has ventured into outer space with his recyclable rockets, he has now turned his efforts toward conquering the exciting dimension of inner space – the human brain. His Neuralink brain chip was successfully implanted into a volunteer’s human brain Jan. 29.

The procedure resulted in a wireless brain chip connection contained within the skull sealed up and ready to go. The volunteer is supposed to be able to operate a computer by focusing his thoughts on functions, with the chip transmitting electronic impulses to the computer.

Team Musk hasn’t been very forthcoming in sharing news of the experiment since the implant date, but we do have information on competing brain chip implant operations. So far, it seems that the technology has a long way to go.

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You’ve Got A Lot of Nerve Link has placed an implant in their Patient X. So far, this guy has had no success doing anything with a computer. All he’s been able to do is turn on the “add 30 sec” microwave button, which is not exactly equal to the moon landing. But if your goal is to heat up a bag of theater butter popcorn by just thinking about it, then, “Ladies and gentlemen, the Eagle has landed.”

Progress in computer-brain linkage has been especially disappointing with Nervy and Nutty Link. As of last night, Patient Y has only been able to complete one Amazon order, which was limited to an erectile dysfunction product. That is not very close to his intended purchase of a windshield wiper blade. To add insult to insult, the promised delivery before 10 p.m. did not occur.

The Nutcase Link Co. had a chip installed to an unidentified Washington official that seems to have failed. If this chip was linked to a defective subject, it would manifest with the host hysterically cackling in the presence of a microphone. An additional warning was listed due to a defective hookup. Keep the host away from the Texas/Mexico border. It may cause an embarrassing international incident.

My research team also discovered a near disaster for the Biden administration. It recently occurred with a Cabinet member hooked up to the Nerves Galore Link.

Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas was playing around with the deluxe version of this brain link in his office. He plugged it in, and according to one witness on his staff, he immediately went into a mind state where he pretended to hold a news conference. He shouted into the microphone after mistakenly activating the Anti-Pinocchio function and admitted that, “The border is not secure, and I apologize to my fellow Americans for my ever-present smug facial posture that drives patriots bonkers.”

Circus Maximus Link was hooked up to a Supreme Court nominee when a silent revolution occurred. When asked by Sen. Marsha Blackburn to define a woman, the nominee could not do so. The link sent a message to the nominee’s computer demanding to be removed immediately, crying out, “This place is whacky. It’s like a clown world in here.”

Further investigation into the history of brain implant links found a trail that led to Washington, D.C., a couple years ago. This was part of the Nervous Nelly Co. chip experiment. It was delivered to the White House unannounced to the public. The discarded package containing the chip was found near a bag containing a white substance in the West Wing, with these warnings on it. “Due to limited brain tissue, the following symptoms may indicate linkage failure. The host may manifest garbled words, high consumption of ice cream cones and hair sniffing. Remove chip and subject immediately upon nearness to a nuclear football.”

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