How to become a 'Russian Asset'

It’s shocking! But it’s everywhere! So many people discovered to be “Russian Assets”!

One might hope, briefly, that for all of us called “racists” and “xenophobes” and “homophobes” and “fascists” and “evil white supremacists,” etc., that all the previously popular denominations of slander might now be simplified to fall under the single sobriquet of “Russian Assets,” but no such luck. The left can’t get tired of adding to their arsenal of verbal slings and arrows, any more than they can limit their ever-growing list of important newly discovered genders.

But for those of us who don’t hate everyone who’s different, and have no secret urge to be other than a good ol’ binary man or woman God made us to be, and who even care about the United States of America … well, becoming a Russian Asset may turn out to be a real temptation.

But how exactly would one go about it? Let’s see.

Maybe visiting the Russian Embassy would be a good start, just to see if there’s any money to be made in this Russian Asset business.

Do the Russians bring their candidates to Russia for proper Asset training? Images come to mind of a deal gone sour, somehow resulting in one’s being very hungry and very cold, digging out edibles from under the Siberian snow.

Hmm. It may be better just to meet your secret agent Russian handler in the park (on a dark, moonless night, of course), for an envelope filled with instructions and a fat wad of rubles.

Still, that also seems a bit risky. It might be best to simply go freelance and hope to write a profitable book about it later.

Of course, the main job of a proper Russian Asset is to take the positions held by actual American patriots and show how they run parallel to positions beneficial to Mr. Putin. For instance, Putin may bark like a rabid Russian wolfhound about nuclear war, but we know he really doesn’t want the earth to become a softly glowing cosmic ember. Therefore, American patriots, who happen to agree with Vladimir’s deeper preferences concerning the seriousness of nuclear annihilation, can easily be identified as Russian Assets, just waiting, any day now, for their well-earned packet of rubles.

Another important aspect, in becoming a successful Russian Asset, is the constant effort to promote that truly subversive foreign agent, Miss Information, this generation’s Tokyo Rose. She is ever on the move to unearth new proofs that the Global Narrative on the roots of these violent conflicts are to be trusted as readily as all the other Global Narratives that preceded it. She whispers words, as though to the wise: “You do know that the Bidens’ doing business with the Chinese and Ukrainians was somewhat less than a good measure of presidential integrity, right? You have to see that the real issue for us is the threat of China and the ominous silence regarding it. Not Russia. Not hardly. Right? You have noticed that the war against Christendom is reaching a fevered pitch, yes? We all know that tanking our economy, corrupting our electoral and judicial systems, forever beating the drum of racial animosity, making us a worldwide joke, are not all for our benefit, but for the oligarchs that seek to enslave us. You must get it, that many fear the pandemic was a test run for a desired planetary population reduction. Call us crazy but the death stats from the first year of infections apparently remained pretty flat, but have spiked incredibly since the clot shot was mandated. ‘Died Suddenly,’ is the newest leading cause of death. You absolutely have to suspect that the near perfect coordination, worldwide, of the distribution of lies and poisons was anything less than an unveiling of the New World Order that already is moving into place … do you have a least a hunch?”

Oh, she just goes on and on, that girl, God help us! Amen?

Why can’t we see what she’s doing? She begs us to see the vast organs of deception all around us, and thinks that should lead us somehow to conclude that the incipient WWIII, being produced before our eyes, must also be seen in the light of some concocted history of lies.

No! Ukraine was not the world’s most corrupt government and breeding ground of corporate graft. No! Obama’s CIA had nothing to do with the 2014 overthrow of a government that was getting along with Vlad. No! There wasn’t a huge majority of Russian-speaking people in the Crimea. There had been no “quiet war” against the Russian provinces since 2014. The Ukrainian shelling of Donetsk and Luhansk did not increase exponentially, each day, in the week prior to the Russian aggression.

Strange, indeed, how many of us who were enlightened by Miss Information, and steadfastly viewed the torch she held high as one and the same as that held up by the Statue of Lady Liberty, have now been seduced by what’s maybe “the best trick yet” of the globalist warmongers.

All you patriots demanding an immediate negotiated end to the Ukrainian-Russian war have been taken down a notch. The left suddenly flips, and now you must join them in cheering for war. And, if not, you have taken the first steps in becoming a real, honest to goodness Russian Asset.

Let’s all start our exciting new adventures as Russian Assets. We only need to know one word of Russian to qualify:


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