Note: For those lacking a sense of humor, be advised: This column is what’s called a “parody.”
The latest federal stimulus plan is called the “Build Back Better Act” (BBBA). It comes with a price tag of about $3 trillion. And there’s nothing more heroic, and patriotic, than passing out that kind of cheese.
After much discussion, the White House has made the decision not to give any more money to the American citizen due to, as an anonymous source revealed, much feedback on the White House comment line.
Comments such as the one by a Mr. Wellington Fare (his friends call him Wel) who munificently claimed that the government was already doing too much for the “common man and woman and the other 110 legitimate genders currently in place.”
Good on you, Mr. Fare. It’s selfless acts like this that make us proud to be citizens of the world.
Inexplicably, though, some “skeptics” are complaining that the BBBA has little actual initiatives for things like promoting the life-preserving COVID vaccine.
“There are still far too many vaccine skeptics,” a source said. “More needs to be done to convince them.”
So our crack staff got to work, combing through the 1,000 pages or so of the Act. And, sure enough, we discovered an overlooked subsection of a subsection of the Act that clearly advocates for the vaccine.
And although we can’t confirm, it is said by an anonymous source, that this initiative was blessed by Dr. Fauci himself.
As an aside, is it out of line to state for the record that Dr. Fauci may be the greatest human to ever walk the Earth?
We all know that even after being vaccinated, Dr. Fauci says we must still maintain the 6-foot social distancing protocol. This could be a problem going forward.
Therefore, $21 billion has been set aside in the BBBA to craft, finish and distribute 6-foot-long Douglas Fir poles to those already vaccinated. A vaccine passport will be required to obtain your free pole. And apparently, for a small fee one can have the pole personalized and fitted with a custom grip.
Douglas Fir was chosen by a blue-ribbon panel of experts, as it is among the strongest, yet lightest of woods.
Recently, the Babylon Bee reported that the CDC claimed it was legal for the already vaccinated to “punch” those who have not. But that would be ridiculous and probably a Class Q felony (six months in Gitmo and a $50,000 fine) for breaking the 6-foot Fauci rule.
Clearly, neither the Bee nor CDC read the BBBA.
For if they did, they would have discovered, as did we, that the apparent oversight on how to “safely” deal with the unvaccinated and, worse, those evil, unpatriotic “anti-vaxxers,” has been sufficiently dealt with.
The poles are to be used to strike the unvaccinated until they submit to the lifesaving cocktail – all while complying with that ever-important social distance mandate.
And this was just brought to our attention. An anonymous source reveals that Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office is looking to expand the parameters of where else the “convincing” poles may be utilized.
Possible ways to expand this order:
- Those who support the new Georgia voting law.
- Anyone in favor of “Jim Crow on steroids.”
- Those who oppose allowing 5-year-olds to determine their own gender.
- Those who are in favor of further construction of the border wall.
- Anyone who takes issue with “press 1 for English.”
Sources claim that several instructional videos are currently being produced, and it is rumored that Shaolin monks were imported to demonstrate proper staff (pole)-striking techniques while maintaining proper social distancing.
Listen to an audio version of this column:
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