Once in a while I read something so comically unrealistic, I have to pause and lampoon it. Such was the case this week from a “prepper” piece clearly written by someone who seldom leaves his armchair. To avoid libel, I won’t link to the piece, but be assured what follows is this person’s serious, legitimate advice.

To set the scene, we must envision a time when martial law has been declared. The world is watching what’s happening in Canada, so I understand where this concern comes from. The first piece of advice – and the only one I agree with – is to ditch any device that includes the word “smart” or “i” (as in iPhones, etc.).

After this, the article rapidly descends into the absurd. To survive a “violent enactment of martial law in the years ahead,” we are given “10 ways to fool the authorities and escape with your life” with a goal of avoiding “captivity and possible death in a concentration camp.”

My comments are in [bracketed italics]. Ready? Here goes:

1. Make a “hasty” retreat to the countryside, where you’ll be able to “hide safely under the cover of the forest” and make preparations for the next leg of your journey. [Picture the average urban or suburban dweller in Chicago or New York City or Los Angeles. What forest will they “hastily” retreat to? And how will this retreat allow them to make plans and preparations for the next leg of the journey?]

2. Next, seek cover and stay camouflaged so as to avoid being spotted by drone, plane, or helicopter. Avoid meadows, open spaces and line-of-sight positions. Be ready to belly-crawl, which will help you avoid snapping twigs or shaking brush or grass, which could give away your movement and location to anyone close by. Hide off the trail so soldiers “acting on orders” are less likely to go slogging through “a swamp or wetland, or climbing a steep hill of dense brush” in pursuit. [Note: Belly-crawling through this “next leg of your journey” could take a long, long time. Just sayin’.]

3. Deliberately choose the path of most resistance, selecting the brushiest, steepest course that “no one in their right mind would be likely to take.” You are urged to be patient, and if it takes 30 minutes to climb a 200-yard hillside through the woods, so be it. [Yowza, at this rate it will take days to achieve the “next leg of your journey.”]

4. Cover your tracks by not leaving a trail of broken branches, flattened grass (“use your hands to stand the grass back up, so that it’s no longer flattened and conceals your path of travel”). Don’t leave footprints in damp soil, don’t leave any litter behind, and don’t start a campfire.

5. Fool any pursuers by leaving false trails. This is where you’re supposed to break branches, flatten grass, leave footprints and drop litter. Then you can use a spare shirt and some paracord; tie the paracord to a rock and the shirt, and toss the bundle over a narrow river at a dangerous crossing point. This will fool your pursuers into thinking you crossed the river at that point and be thrown off your trail. [I swear I’m not making this up.]

6. Carry the bare minimum of essentials. To trim extra weight, minimize changes of clothing [except, presumably, the spare shirt you just threw across the river]; don’t carry a tent – use a bivy sack instead; carry very little water unless you’re heading into dry areas (instead, you should “have a plan for procuring drinking water along the way”); carry a very small flashlight; cut your emergency candle in half to save weight [honestly, I’m not making this up]; be prepared to “go longer between meals” so your “calorie-rich freeze-dried food or lightweight high-calorie survival food” will last longer; and best of all, “include a plan to snack on edible insects” which “can provide enough calories and help you get by for a few extra hours or even days at a time.” [Presumably, edible insects will be easy to spot, being on your belly and all.]

But not to worry; “you can hunt, fish, and trap once you are dozens of miles away or more into a remote area.” [I’m not sure how you’re supposed to hunt, fish, or trap if you don’t have weapons, fishing gear, or traps; or am I just being difficult here?]

Additionally, as you’re belly-crawling along the forest floor and along river edges, you can collect edible plants, roots, nuts and berries – “but be careful, many are poisonous and not edible.” To avoid any culinary mishaps, “it may be a lot easier for you to recognize edible insects and make do with these instead of risking your life with plants, roots, nuts and berries found in the forest. … Foraging is a skill that today can be learned by reading books on foraging for wild plants, taking classes and then practicing what you have learned so that you are ready for a survival situation.” [Bon appétit.]

7. Don’t talk to strangers (or if you bump into strangers, lie.) And don’t worry about tracking dogs; authorities are likely to be “short-handed on adequately trained canine teams.” [Though apparently the “authorities” have enough personnel to track every escaping individual through the trackless forest for weeks on end.]

8. Keep going and “be ready to spend a few more days and even weeks traveling into remote areas.” By aiming for remote areas, hunting for bigger game like deer, elk, antelope, and moose “is likely to be best.” [Wait, did your streamlined gear include weapons suitable for hunting big game, as well as the knives and other tools necessary to field dress, butcher, and preserve the meat? Asking for a friend.]

9. Seek out remote wilderness. This is because “the only real way to survive long term may be to seek out remote wilderness far off the beaten track, well under the cover of forest.”

And finally …

10. Teach the children. [Wait, what? You mean you’ve been belly-crawling for weeks through remote wilderness while dragging children along? Why didn’t you say that sooner?] You’re instructed to teach the children unvarnished history and biblical prophecy. [Personally, assuming the kids are still alive, I would think it more important to teach them how to identify edible insects and plants, but maybe that’s just me.]

The author admits there are “several more details” on survival when it comes to being forced into a life of living off the land with what you and your family can carry; but “unfortunately, this isn’t fiction.” [Um, yes it is. It’s entirely fiction, derived from reading too many dystopian novels while sitting in a comfy armchair. My guess is this writer has never belly-crawled in his life, much less survived off the land eating roots and bugs.]

If you want more sensible advice, hang around such websites as SurvivalBlog or the Organic Prepper or the SurvivalMom, and sift through to find what applies to your particular circumstances.

Because rest assured, the above is been a short primer on what NOT to do in response to martial law. You’re welcome.

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This article was originally published by the WND News Center.

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